Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A FIGHT WITH CONSCIOUS
As my one year anniversay being diagnosed with HIV approaches, I reflect on what I've learned. It takes me back to those dark days when I found out the news and locked myself in my bedroom for weeks at a time. I had fights with myself. Below is an example of one of those conversations I had with my conscious. I plan to publish this conversation in my book I'm working on. the bold represents my conscience and the underlined text is me. Enjoy and feel free to leave a comment!
-Christopher, you slut. Have you no respect for yourself that you let some idiot do this to you?
-Oh, easy for you to stand there and judge me now, Conscience. You loved it when that guy was fucking me hard and good. You didn’t want it to stop, either.
-Yes, I did. I knew it was wrong. I tried to tell you. You were too drunk to notice.
-I refuse to believe that.
-Well, you can’t let me take the fault.
-Yes I can. You could have told me to stop. Don’t tell me you did, I would’ve remembered. Where were you when I needed help?
-That’s up to you and your friend, Conscious, not me. You were ignoring me, Christopher. These guys make you two feel so good about yourself that you pretend like I’m not there.
-Bullshit.
-You know it’s true. You always side with Conscious over me.
-I do not!
-Yes, you do. And contrary to what Conscious will tell you these guys don’t care for you. They were getting off just like you were.
-Then, why didn’t you stop me?
-I tried, but Conscious didn’t let me have control of the situation. He’s a ‘Know It All.’ We tend to argue a lot. That ‘one drink too many’ attitude of yours didn’t help, either. It only makes me weaker and him and you stronger for doing the wrong thing. The more you drink the further away you and I are from each other. That’s out of my control. How many close calls does it take?
-Where are you when I drink at home, alone? You don’t tell me to stop there.
-You never think it’s a problem if you’re doing it at home, alone. Until you get in a mood and start making phone calls to random guys you know.
-Well, it’s obvious these guys care about me more than you care about me, Conscience.
-Why would you say that? And where is Conscious now in this situation? I’m still here. For that matter where is the guy that infected you? Why wasn’t he honest with you? Do you even know which one it was?
-Hey, I wasn’t unsafe with all of them. But, they wouldn’t want me if I wanted to use protection.
-Then you should have said no.
-Easy for you to say. Do you expect me to always spend time by myself? Cause that’s what’ll happen if I reject these guys.
-You know that’s not true. Plenty of people out there will respect your wishes. The rest are losers.
-And no, I’m not sure who did this to me. Are you gonna judge me, again?
-Of course, not.
-Go ahead. Everyone else does. You don’t care about me. You always side with the other guy. Maybe I should stick with Conscious.
-That will only do you more harm if you continue in this path.
-But, Conscious makes me feel good.
-You think he makes you feel good. But, look what that good did to you?
-I have nothing else to lose.
-Yes you do. By the way, I will always side with you, whether or not you think so. But I can’t do everything here. You need to be responsible for your actions, too! Without you, my powers are useless.
-Oh shut up!
-You got yourself in this situation more than once. You drink too much, and then you have no idea what you’re doing. Conscious thrives on this because he doesn’t want to get involved in the serious stuff. He expects me to handle that. But, I can’t without you. Sooner or later you had to realize you’re not untouchable.
-So are you all punishing me now?
-HIV is not a punishment.
-Being on my death bed months ago wasn’t punishment enough for you?
-New flash, we were all there suffering, too.
-Fuck you! You have no idea what I’ve been going through and how I feel about my life.
-Yes, I do. I’m your Conscience. I know everything about you. From your depression, to your anxiety, to your loneliness. And I’m still here for you. And always will be.
-Oh that’s convenient. Lucky for you I have HIV and that promise won’t have to last very long.
-That’s not true! Enough with that talk! Let’s not fight anymore. This is all ‘Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda’s’ at this point. We need to focus on your future and a plan of action.
-What future? No one wanted me or cared about me when I was negative and no one is going to want me or care for me now. Look at me, I’m a loser. All alone, and now I’m dying.
-Oh, you’re not dying. You know you’ll get through this. You’re not a quitter.
-I’m quitting now.
-No, you’re not. You never were and never will be. Just try to understand how to be aware of both Conscious and myself. You have the power to help us. And believe me, someone out there will find you and see all you’re worth.
-That may be a possibility. But, I am not holding my breath. I appreciate the sentiment, but I just need to be alone for a while.
-That may be wise. But, even when you’re alone don’t forget me. I’ll always be next to you and I’m always going to be your friend.
-I’m sorry I snapped at you. I just can’t get a grip on this, yet.
-I understand. And I’m sorry I called you a slut, Christopher.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
NEW YEAR, NEW DECADE, NEW ME
Tis the season for people resolute to changing their lives. Whether this episode includes eating healthier, going to the gym regularly, or being a nicer person the majority will agree that after the first few weeks in January people return to their normal, unfavorable routines. Obviously, it's important for everyone to eat healthy and stay in shape. Being HIV positive, it's even more crucial. 2010 was quite the year for me as it was the year of my diagnosis. In addition to the many challenges I face in the years to come I've decided not to hope for a better lifestyle like others tend to do. That should just come natural. No sir, this year my resolution is to focus on Christopher.
Those that know me know that I have quite a lot on my plate. Unfortunately, recent events that have taken place in my life have forced me to take yet another few steps backwards. God's humor isn't so funny to me anymore. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep from being overwhelmed and tired. But, then I remember all my brothers and sisters out there living with HIV that I can count on for support and love. For that reason alone I know I could not live with myself if I gave up this fight and deserted them. With the new year at hand I've decided to face the music head on. Instead of seeing these events as negatives I'm starting to see them as positives. My lease is up on the apartment next month and this is my chance to leave New York City and do the things I promised myself I would accomplish this year. These are my resolutions for 2011:
1- Complete the HIV/ AIDS contributed book and have it published. It's written by everyday people living with or affected by HIV/ AIDS. Tentatively titled, HIV at the Dinner Table: A Modern Diagnosis
2- Complete my fictional novel (non-HIV related) and have it published.
3- Do my part to end HIV stigma in America: ROAD TRIP across the U.S.A. interviewing individuals affected by HIV/ AIDS.
4- Find a new home- preferably with palm trees.
No longer will I live in an overpriced city that I can honestly say I am "so done" with. There is no reason why someone in my condition should be working two jobs just to get by. I'm not in fashion, don't care enough about Wall Street, and I have no interest in theater (although I have great respect for the arts.) Many years ago when I wanted to leave I packed my bags and drove, only to return to my hometown. This time I'm going to plan constructively. That's when the idea for the road trip came to mind- allowing me to possibly accomplish two resolutions in one- educating others on the true face of HIV and finding Christopher a new home.
Now that a year has gone by and I've learned how the world views HIV/ AIDS I feel it is necessary to do my part and show the world the real face of HIV- outside of celebrities and stigma. Approximately six months from now I will be leaving for a summer road trip, making stops in most of the U.S. states. I will be documenting and publishing my trip on a daily basis via blog entries as well as video recording. That way, everyone can follow me on my journeys as I experience them. I may start a website dedicated to this adventure. Details to come. Many individuals have expressed interest in having me stop in their hometown and I welcome the invitations. The end goal of this trip is to have the entire world see the real people with HIV and illustrate the importance of ending fear and stigma as well as knowing your status.
This is my plan for the new year. I sure have my work cut out for me, but it's work that I know is necessary to make this world one step closer to ending the current state of HIV in America. Here's to 2011- the year the world will see HIV in a new way!
Interested in learning more about my trip? Would you like me to come visit? Have ideas for the trip? Feel free to contact me this way:
Email: cjmyron@gmail.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/cjmyron
Youtube: www.youtube.com/cjmyron -- I'm going to be more proactive about posting videos on my page. Subscribe!
Those that know me know that I have quite a lot on my plate. Unfortunately, recent events that have taken place in my life have forced me to take yet another few steps backwards. God's humor isn't so funny to me anymore. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep from being overwhelmed and tired. But, then I remember all my brothers and sisters out there living with HIV that I can count on for support and love. For that reason alone I know I could not live with myself if I gave up this fight and deserted them. With the new year at hand I've decided to face the music head on. Instead of seeing these events as negatives I'm starting to see them as positives. My lease is up on the apartment next month and this is my chance to leave New York City and do the things I promised myself I would accomplish this year. These are my resolutions for 2011:
1- Complete the HIV/ AIDS contributed book and have it published. It's written by everyday people living with or affected by HIV/ AIDS. Tentatively titled, HIV at the Dinner Table: A Modern Diagnosis
2- Complete my fictional novel (non-HIV related) and have it published.
3- Do my part to end HIV stigma in America: ROAD TRIP across the U.S.A. interviewing individuals affected by HIV/ AIDS.
4- Find a new home- preferably with palm trees.
No longer will I live in an overpriced city that I can honestly say I am "so done" with. There is no reason why someone in my condition should be working two jobs just to get by. I'm not in fashion, don't care enough about Wall Street, and I have no interest in theater (although I have great respect for the arts.) Many years ago when I wanted to leave I packed my bags and drove, only to return to my hometown. This time I'm going to plan constructively. That's when the idea for the road trip came to mind- allowing me to possibly accomplish two resolutions in one- educating others on the true face of HIV and finding Christopher a new home.
Now that a year has gone by and I've learned how the world views HIV/ AIDS I feel it is necessary to do my part and show the world the real face of HIV- outside of celebrities and stigma. Approximately six months from now I will be leaving for a summer road trip, making stops in most of the U.S. states. I will be documenting and publishing my trip on a daily basis via blog entries as well as video recording. That way, everyone can follow me on my journeys as I experience them. I may start a website dedicated to this adventure. Details to come. Many individuals have expressed interest in having me stop in their hometown and I welcome the invitations. The end goal of this trip is to have the entire world see the real people with HIV and illustrate the importance of ending fear and stigma as well as knowing your status.
This is my plan for the new year. I sure have my work cut out for me, but it's work that I know is necessary to make this world one step closer to ending the current state of HIV in America. Here's to 2011- the year the world will see HIV in a new way!
Interested in learning more about my trip? Would you like me to come visit? Have ideas for the trip? Feel free to contact me this way:
Email: cjmyron@gmail.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/cjmyron
Youtube: www.youtube.com/cjmyron -- I'm going to be more proactive about posting videos on my page. Subscribe!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
FA LA LA LA NO NO NO NO, YES!
The holiday season is in full swing. The first drop of snow for the season sprinkled New York City Rockefeller Center
This week I was due for my quarterly blood drawings as well as refilling prescriptions. With my "special" type of insurance those procedures involves more than one middle man on several different floors of this one particular building. First, I have a wasted appointment, with my primary doctor, on the 6th Floor. Simply because I physically sat in a room with the doctor permits him to write a referral to have me see my HIV specialist. While waiting for my referral to schedule an appointment with the specialist (whose practice is 40 minutes away from this building) I sit in the lobby. The receptionist is on the phone with the receptionist at the specialist's office who plans to fax over to my primary doctor the specific blood tests that will need to be drawn that day. Twenty minutes later we receive the fax and I take the elevator to the Cellar Level where my blood will be drawn. The lady stabs one of the largest veins in my left arm, removing six vials of blood and causing me to bleed profusely from the outside. The bleeding finally stops when the medical assistant says to me, "every time you come here make sure you apply plenty of pressure." I understand she was doing her job but that comment really upset me. I wanted to say to her, "thanks for reminding me there is no cure to HIV and I have to succumb to this agony every three months." I guess I should be grateful that I am healthy and able to draw blood.
I take the elevator back to the 6th floor where the receptionist hands me the referral. This piece of paper is my ticket to see the specialist who will (hopefully) tell me, "Everything looks great. See you in a few months." Lucky me that in a few months I get to do the entire procedure of riding elevators trying not to bleed on the tile, yet again. Of course I must make the appointment first with my primary doctor or I won't be allowed to push the elevator button up to the 6th Floor. Finally, I take the elevator to the third floor where I make sure my prescriptions are being filled for pickup the next day. I laugh when I think how all of this could have been avoided if I was approved for ADAP. I'd be able to see one doctor, go to one pharmacy, and work only one job. I guess I should be grateful that I have some medical care at all.
I was running late for work the next morning. I get off the subway a block away from my employment when I realized I'd forgotten my medicine at home. I couldn't go back and get it and I couldn't tell work the truth. (I am not open about my status at my day job.) Missing a dose was like having unprotected sex. You know it’s dangerous, you know you shouldn't do it. Yet, I felt liberated, I smelled the fresh air. It was comforting to pretend to be toxic free for just one morning. My specialist once informed me what to do in this situation so I didn't panic. I guess I should be grateful that I have options at all.
I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted being punished at work, by society, by the government and by my community that I have HIV. I'm especially exhausted from punishing myself for being HIV positive. My frustration caused me to pick at a scab on my thumb. Naturally, blood begins to drip down my finger. As I clean the hurt and see the infected blood on the tissue I think to myself, "Take that HIV!" I know it may not be healthy to think about the HIV cells on the tissue dying because they can no longer spread in numbers, however when I used to bleed I would get freaked out by seeing my blood knowing what's inside it. That damaged me more than anything. Suddenly, the most remarkable thing happened to me as I dabbed my thumb. The blood on the tissue was in the shape of a heart! (I swear on my life I am not making this up.) I smiled.
In that instance I knew I wasn't alone in my office. Someone, or something, is watching over me- over all of us. I'm not a spiritual person in the sense that I attend a place of worship, but I am a firm believer that there is meaning to all this. Perhaps after we die we'll understand why the world was destined to become acquainted with HIV. Sure, I have my current struggles with exhaustion, work, medical frustrations and hardships, relationships, and life in general. I have to remind myself that it will all be okay and it will all fall into place and someday, someday, the reason for giving me all of my struggles will be revealed.
Perhaps with that in mind I should take my tree down and put it back up again and get immersed in the Christmas spirit I cherished as a child.
I am so grateful for my life, no matter how hard it can be sometimes. Merry Christmas life and here’s to a happy and prosperous New Year and many more to come!
This week I was due for my quarterly blood drawings as well as refilling prescriptions. With my "special" type of insurance those procedures involves more than one middle man on several different floors of this one particular building. First, I have a wasted appointment, with my primary doctor, on the 6th Floor. Simply because I physically sat in a room with the doctor permits him to write a referral to have me see my HIV specialist. While waiting for my referral to schedule an appointment with the specialist (whose practice is 40 minutes away from this building) I sit in the lobby. The receptionist is on the phone with the receptionist at the specialist's office who plans to fax over to my primary doctor the specific blood tests that will need to be drawn that day. Twenty minutes later we receive the fax and I take the elevator to the Cellar Level where my blood will be drawn. The lady stabs one of the largest veins in my left arm, removing six vials of blood and causing me to bleed profusely from the outside. The bleeding finally stops when the medical assistant says to me, "every time you come here make sure you apply plenty of pressure." I understand she was doing her job but that comment really upset me. I wanted to say to her, "thanks for reminding me there is no cure to HIV and I have to succumb to this agony every three months." I guess I should be grateful that I am healthy and able to draw blood.
I take the elevator back to the 6th floor where the receptionist hands me the referral. This piece of paper is my ticket to see the specialist who will (hopefully) tell me, "Everything looks great. See you in a few months." Lucky me that in a few months I get to do the entire procedure of riding elevators trying not to bleed on the tile, yet again. Of course I must make the appointment first with my primary doctor or I won't be allowed to push the elevator button up to the 6th Floor. Finally, I take the elevator to the third floor where I make sure my prescriptions are being filled for pickup the next day. I laugh when I think how all of this could have been avoided if I was approved for ADAP. I'd be able to see one doctor, go to one pharmacy, and work only one job. I guess I should be grateful that I have some medical care at all.
I was running late for work the next morning. I get off the subway a block away from my employment when I realized I'd forgotten my medicine at home. I couldn't go back and get it and I couldn't tell work the truth. (I am not open about my status at my day job.) Missing a dose was like having unprotected sex. You know it’s dangerous, you know you shouldn't do it. Yet, I felt liberated, I smelled the fresh air. It was comforting to pretend to be toxic free for just one morning. My specialist once informed me what to do in this situation so I didn't panic. I guess I should be grateful that I have options at all.
Usually at work I roll up my sleeves exposing my forearms, however this day they needed to be covered. The stab on my left arm had bled internally causing a huge blue stain on the surface (it was ugly.) Every three months. I did this not just so I would stop staring at the results of my past mistakes but just in case anyone at work saw the wound. Meanwhile, this is a job where I've been here for many months and I still don't have a work badge like the rest of the staff. Said badges have your profile picture and in my opinion it gives a sense of pride for the company we work for. I know they appreciate my hard work, but it would be nice to finally be part of the team. Not to mention their benefits package. It is my main source of income and I can't be too expressive out of fear of losing my role. I guess I should be grateful that I have a job at all.
I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted being punished at work, by society, by the government and by my community that I have HIV. I'm especially exhausted from punishing myself for being HIV positive. My frustration caused me to pick at a scab on my thumb. Naturally, blood begins to drip down my finger. As I clean the hurt and see the infected blood on the tissue I think to myself, "Take that HIV!" I know it may not be healthy to think about the HIV cells on the tissue dying because they can no longer spread in numbers, however when I used to bleed I would get freaked out by seeing my blood knowing what's inside it. That damaged me more than anything. Suddenly, the most remarkable thing happened to me as I dabbed my thumb. The blood on the tissue was in the shape of a heart! (I swear on my life I am not making this up.) I smiled.
In that instance I knew I wasn't alone in my office. Someone, or something, is watching over me- over all of us. I'm not a spiritual person in the sense that I attend a place of worship, but I am a firm believer that there is meaning to all this. Perhaps after we die we'll understand why the world was destined to become acquainted with HIV. Sure, I have my current struggles with exhaustion, work, medical frustrations and hardships, relationships, and life in general. I have to remind myself that it will all be okay and it will all fall into place and someday, someday, the reason for giving me all of my struggles will be revealed.
Perhaps with that in mind I should take my tree down and put it back up again and get immersed in the Christmas spirit I cherished as a child.
I am so grateful for my life, no matter how hard it can be sometimes. Merry Christmas life and here’s to a happy and prosperous New Year and many more to come!
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