A FIGHT WITH CONSCIOUS

As my one year anniversay being diagnosed with HIV approaches, I reflect on what I've learned.  It takes me back to those dark days when I found out the news and locked myself in my bedroom for weeks at a time.  I had fights with myself.  Below is an example of one of those conversations I had with my conscious.  I plan to publish this conversation in my book I'm working on.  the bold represents my conscience and the underlined text is me.  Enjoy and feel free to leave a comment!

-Christopher, you slut.  Have you no respect for yourself that you let some idiot do this to you? 

-Oh, easy for you to stand there and judge me now, Conscience.  You loved it when that guy was fucking me hard and good.  You didn’t want it to stop, either.

-Yes, I did.  I knew it was wrong.  I tried to tell you.  You were too drunk to notice.

-I refuse to believe that.

-Well, you can’t let me take the fault.

-Yes I can.  You could have told me to stop.  Don’t tell me you did, I would’ve remembered.  Where were you when I needed help? 

-That’s up to you and your friend, Conscious, not me.  You were ignoring me, Christopher.  These guys make you two feel so good about yourself that you pretend like I’m not there.

-Bullshit.

-You know it’s true.  You always side with Conscious over me. 

-I do not!

-Yes, you do.  And contrary to what Conscious will tell you these guys don’t care for you.  They were getting off just like you were.

-Then, why didn’t you stop me?

-I tried, but Conscious didn’t let me have control of the situation.  He’s a ‘Know It All.’  We tend to argue a lot.  That ‘one drink too many’ attitude of yours didn’t help, either.  It only makes me weaker and him and you stronger for doing the wrong thing.  The more you drink the further away you and I are from each other.  That’s out of my control.   How many close calls does it take? 

-Where are you when I drink at home, alone?  You don’t tell me to stop there.

-You never think it’s a problem if you’re doing it at home, alone.  Until you get in a mood and start making phone calls to random guys you know.

-Well, it’s obvious these guys care about me more than you care about me, Conscience.

-Why would you say that?  And where is Conscious now in this situation?  I’m still here.  For that matter where is the guy that infected you?  Why wasn’t he honest with you?  Do you even know which one it was?

-Hey, I wasn’t unsafe with all of them.  But, they wouldn’t want me if I wanted to use protection.

-Then you should have said no.

-Easy for you to say.  Do you expect me to always spend time by myself?  Cause that’s what’ll happen if I reject these guys.

-You know that’s not true.  Plenty of people out there will respect your wishes.  The rest are losers.

-And no, I’m not sure who did this to me.  Are you gonna judge me, again?

-Of course, not.

-Go ahead.  Everyone else does.  You don’t care about me.  You always side with the other guy.  Maybe I should stick with Conscious. 

-That will only do you more harm if you continue in this path. 

-But, Conscious makes me feel good. 

-You think he makes you feel good.  But, look what that good did to you? 

-I have nothing else to lose.

-Yes you do.  By the way, I will always side with you, whether or not you think so.  But I can’t do everything here.  You need to be responsible for your actions, too!  Without you, my powers are useless. 

-Oh shut up! 

-You got yourself in this situation more than once.  You drink too much, and then you have no idea what you’re doing.  Conscious thrives on this because he doesn’t want to get involved in the serious stuff.  He expects me to handle that.  But, I can’t without you.  Sooner or later you had to realize you’re not untouchable.

-So are you all punishing me now? 

-HIV is not a punishment.

-Being on my death bed months ago wasn’t punishment enough for you?

-New flash, we were all there suffering, too.

-Fuck you!  You have no idea what I’ve been going through and how I feel about my life. 

-Yes, I do. I’m your Conscience.  I know everything about you.  From your depression, to your anxiety, to your loneliness.  And I’m still here for you.  And always will be. 

-Oh that’s convenient.  Lucky for you I have HIV and that promise won’t have to last very long.

-That’s not true!  Enough with that talk!  Let’s not fight anymore.  This is all ‘Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda’s’ at this point.  We need to focus on your future and a plan of action. 

-What future?  No one wanted me or cared about me when I was negative and no one is going to want me or care for me now.  Look at me, I’m a loser.  All alone, and now I’m dying. 

-Oh, you’re not dying.  You know you’ll get through this.  You’re not a quitter.

-I’m quitting now.

-No, you’re not.  You never were and never will be.  Just try to understand how to be aware of both Conscious and myself.  You have the power to help us.  And believe me, someone out there will find you and see all you’re worth.

-That may be a possibility.  But, I am not holding my breath.  I appreciate the sentiment, but I just need to be alone for a while. 

-That may be wise.  But, even when you’re alone don’t forget me.  I’ll always be next to you and I’m always going to be your friend.

-I’m sorry I snapped at you.  I just can’t get a grip on this, yet.

-I understand.  And I’m sorry I called you a slut, Christopher.

TABLE FOR ONE

I'd like to start off this entry by thanking my fans, friends and family for not allowing me to swim in the middle of the ocean without a life jacket.  You wouldn't let me get away with expressing my anger and frustrations without having the final say.  I was reminded that there is still plenty of love, compassion and support out there, even when I temporarily lose hope- for which I am truly grateful.  

For the past few weeks on numerous occasions I was reminded of some of the harsh realities I face.  The specifics don't matter.  What matters is that by more than one individual I was put into a corner regarding my HIV status, made to feel worthless and to blame.  As if something was wrong with me or that I wasn't good enough.  Even in a liberal city like New York I have found people here to be uneducated and lack support.  If that weren't enough I was reminded on how we as a gay community are cruel and discriminative towards each other- just for the temporary satisfaction to feel better about ourselves.  If you're living as a gay man the chances are you were never accepted by anyone as an equal- in high school, in the workplace, or wherever you may roam.  You're more like a side show to the outside world, weak enough to be picked on without consequence.  In turn, we hurt each other within our own community.  

If your not lifting weights eight days a week, or a Glee fan, or HIV negative, your chances of acceptance in our own community are dire.  It doesn't work in our favor to be honest with people.  Guys would rather not know your status and pretend it's not there.  If we don't talk about HIV then it won't be under the sheets.  I know I was once a guy that thought that way. 

These past few weeks we all, including myself, have reached out to teenagers all over the world with our message that it gets better.  Does it?  It may get better, sure, but the pain and the hurt doesn't get any easier- unless you’re either an Adonis or a Broadway fan.  When does it get better for someone like me who are neither of those things?  When does it get better for someone like me who goes out to dinner by himself?  When does it get better for someone like me who has a phone that never rings?  When does it get better for someone like me who is never approached and stands alone at the bars?  When does it get better for someone like me who throws their medications against the wall in disgust?  When does it get better for someone like me who is tired of hearing the silence?

We've all heard this phrase, in many forms, by loved ones when we are down: "You're okay.  There are so many people out there in worse situations that yours."  I have two problems with this.  First, we are asked to dwell on other people's pain and suffering so we can feel better.  Where's the humanity in that? Secondly, we are asked to never put ourselves first, that we should ignore what our soul is feeling.  As long as the Earth's heart is beating there will always be pain and suffering.  When is it okay to take care of yours without being made to feel like you have nothing to complain about?  

I am no stranger to depression.  When I am down like this I bring myself back to my childhood, where most of my free time away from homework was spent alone in my bedroom with my Legos.  Indeed, Legos was my saving grace, but I refuse to let myself go back there.  I had a period of weakness, sure.  And I let the world know about it.  I guess it was a cry for help.  

However, I am slowly relapsing now and coming back to my old self again- the man who fell in love with himself, even with HIV running in his blood-the man who put others ahead of himself- the man who never ignored the people around him by chatting on his cell phone-the man who asks, "How are you doing?" and actually mean it.

Thank you all, one last time, for letting me feel life's sadness for a quick moment and knowing that at the end of the day it all will be okay.  If there is any advice I can give this week it would be this: put down your cell phones.  Sign off of Facebook and Twitter.  Take a night off from work.  Call an old friend, check up on those around you.  A simple "Hello" and "How have you been?" vocally, as opposed to a text message, can make all the difference.  It did for me, today.

To everyone that I am blessed to know in this world, thank you for letting me be me. 

Specifically, thank you to my sister, Katie, who I wasn't ignoring, but I couldn't let hear the ugliness I was experiencing.  Thank you to an old friend, Bridget, who reminded me that words speak so loud for themselves and I'll never forget the letter you wrote me.  Finally, thank you to Theresa, a coworker and friend of mine who understands hardships, but still found the time to hold me when I needed it.  There are so many people to thank, so for the sake of sounding less like an Oscar acceptance speech I collectively say, Thank You, everyone.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day- my writing class- the first step towards enjoying the pleasures surrounding me, once again.

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

“Going to Jump off the Bridge.  Sorry.”   -Tyler Clementi (1992-2010)

Those were the last communicative words the world read on the Facebook status message of eighteen year old violinist and Rutgers student, Tyler Clementi, before choosing to take his life on September 22.  His car (containing his laptop, wallet, and phone) was found abandoned on the George Washington Bridge here in New York City.

If you had not recently read in the papers of this boy’s demise then I will give you a brief synopsis.  Clementi asked his college roommate for some privacy until midnight one night.  His roommate, by name of Dharun Ravi, obliged and sneakily set up his computer’s webcam.  The end result of this prank was Ravi recording Clementi having sexual relations with another man in their room without Clementi‘s awareness.  It wasn’t until later on did Clementi find out about this video and that it had been posted all over the internet for everyone to see.  Humiliation does not justify what his feelings must have been when he found out. 

It is not proven that this particular incident drove Clementi to his death, but if I was to speculate (and I will) the fingers do point in that direction.  This poor child is dead and the worst punishment Ravi will receive is up to five years in prison.  That’s how the justice system handles a bully picking on a weaker individual because he was gay?  How many more gay men and women have to die before society will take this seriously?  

It is obvious being a gay individual why I would be disgusted with this case.  I can talk about the politics of hate crimes in this country and the hardships minorities face, but I will leave that to others.  I will refrain as best as I can and I will talk about how this story relates to me and HIV, which my blogging is ultimately about.

ACCEPTANCE.  A simple concept, yet the world won’t allow themselves to practice such.  It is a concept that any gay individual, including myself, strives to find the meaning of.  Society and religion are two variables that tell people what is right and wrong in life and what we should and shouldn’t accept.  Unfortunately, being gay for the majority is wrong in the eyes of most.  This causes those who are different to feel isolated and unloved.  I was lucky growing up.  The worst torment I ever experienced was verbal abuse- “Hey faggot,” “Fairy, what’s up?” “Kiss any boys lately?” “You hate pussy, don’t you fag,” to name a few.  It was all sticks and stones, but rarely would people physically try to attack me.  It’s easy to pick on the kids who are weaker and introverted.  I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up and before my junior year I was never the most popular person in school, spending many weekends at home by myself. 

As I became an adult and understood that I was attracted to men was when the real danger happened.  I began doing things that was only going to hurt my health down the road.  But, I did them because I was tired of rejection and feeling alone- like most of us in the gay community.  I found a home where I can share stories and relate with other guys who were picked on and beaten in childhood just because they were born with a genetic makeup that causes attraction to the same sex.  But like I said, I was lucky.  I am still alive and here to talk to others while I can’t say the same for the innocent Clementi.  I’m lucky to have supportive friends and family who love me unconditionally. 

I knew that unprotected sex can get me in trouble, but before my diagnosis and my enlightenment I didn’t love myself enough to care. The piled up years of others not loving me or accepting me took a toll on my attitude about things.  Inevitably I got HIV. 

Society enforces that being gay is wrong because of reasons like HIV and Meth users, etc.  God forbid they see us as individuals.  It’s okay to be sympathetic to straight people with alcohol problems, but if you’re a gay man then you are a time bomb for falling into drugs or getting HIV, and no one can help you, right?  Well, society seems to think so.    Hence, hate crimes continue without consequences and HIV spreads.  As time passes I am learning to think that HIV has saved me.   Of course, HIV is a serious illness and nothing to joke about, but as said in entries past I plan to look at HIV in a different light than what I was brought up to believe.  Being diagnosed was the thing that changed my attitude about myself.  

“Oh no world,” I say, “I may have low self-esteem and you may tell me it’s wrong to be gay, but no way will I let your cruelty and non-acceptance prevail and win!  I have more self worth than that!” I refuse to let HIV take over and kill me.  My body and the medication I take illustrate that.  In the end, I win.  It is a shame that Clementi, being a gay man wasn’t as strong.  I did not know him personally, but as a gay man I wish I could give this boy a hug and say, “You’re not alone, don’t let them win.” 

It is not enough for me to educate the world about HIV and prevention.  We need show the world that consequences for hate crimes should be dealt with harshly.  Parents need to take a stand with their kids and tell them that other kids on the playground will be different- from skin color to handicaps to love interests.  Said kids need to understand that the occupants of the world will never all be the same and you must accept that.  Little Johnny or Sue are no better, nor worse, than they are.  The world we have created for younger generations is filled with cruelty and nonsense.  It needs to be stopped.  We need to reshape people’s attitudes of the ever-changing planet we live in if we are ever going to live in harmony.  If we don’t then negative variables like HIV and suicide will continue to increase in numbers and win.

<-Tyler Clementi