A FIGHT WITH CONSCIOUS

As my one year anniversay being diagnosed with HIV approaches, I reflect on what I've learned.  It takes me back to those dark days when I found out the news and locked myself in my bedroom for weeks at a time.  I had fights with myself.  Below is an example of one of those conversations I had with my conscious.  I plan to publish this conversation in my book I'm working on.  the bold represents my conscience and the underlined text is me.  Enjoy and feel free to leave a comment!

-Christopher, you slut.  Have you no respect for yourself that you let some idiot do this to you? 

-Oh, easy for you to stand there and judge me now, Conscience.  You loved it when that guy was fucking me hard and good.  You didn’t want it to stop, either.

-Yes, I did.  I knew it was wrong.  I tried to tell you.  You were too drunk to notice.

-I refuse to believe that.

-Well, you can’t let me take the fault.

-Yes I can.  You could have told me to stop.  Don’t tell me you did, I would’ve remembered.  Where were you when I needed help? 

-That’s up to you and your friend, Conscious, not me.  You were ignoring me, Christopher.  These guys make you two feel so good about yourself that you pretend like I’m not there.

-Bullshit.

-You know it’s true.  You always side with Conscious over me. 

-I do not!

-Yes, you do.  And contrary to what Conscious will tell you these guys don’t care for you.  They were getting off just like you were.

-Then, why didn’t you stop me?

-I tried, but Conscious didn’t let me have control of the situation.  He’s a ‘Know It All.’  We tend to argue a lot.  That ‘one drink too many’ attitude of yours didn’t help, either.  It only makes me weaker and him and you stronger for doing the wrong thing.  The more you drink the further away you and I are from each other.  That’s out of my control.   How many close calls does it take? 

-Where are you when I drink at home, alone?  You don’t tell me to stop there.

-You never think it’s a problem if you’re doing it at home, alone.  Until you get in a mood and start making phone calls to random guys you know.

-Well, it’s obvious these guys care about me more than you care about me, Conscience.

-Why would you say that?  And where is Conscious now in this situation?  I’m still here.  For that matter where is the guy that infected you?  Why wasn’t he honest with you?  Do you even know which one it was?

-Hey, I wasn’t unsafe with all of them.  But, they wouldn’t want me if I wanted to use protection.

-Then you should have said no.

-Easy for you to say.  Do you expect me to always spend time by myself?  Cause that’s what’ll happen if I reject these guys.

-You know that’s not true.  Plenty of people out there will respect your wishes.  The rest are losers.

-And no, I’m not sure who did this to me.  Are you gonna judge me, again?

-Of course, not.

-Go ahead.  Everyone else does.  You don’t care about me.  You always side with the other guy.  Maybe I should stick with Conscious. 

-That will only do you more harm if you continue in this path. 

-But, Conscious makes me feel good. 

-You think he makes you feel good.  But, look what that good did to you? 

-I have nothing else to lose.

-Yes you do.  By the way, I will always side with you, whether or not you think so.  But I can’t do everything here.  You need to be responsible for your actions, too!  Without you, my powers are useless. 

-Oh shut up! 

-You got yourself in this situation more than once.  You drink too much, and then you have no idea what you’re doing.  Conscious thrives on this because he doesn’t want to get involved in the serious stuff.  He expects me to handle that.  But, I can’t without you.  Sooner or later you had to realize you’re not untouchable.

-So are you all punishing me now? 

-HIV is not a punishment.

-Being on my death bed months ago wasn’t punishment enough for you?

-New flash, we were all there suffering, too.

-Fuck you!  You have no idea what I’ve been going through and how I feel about my life. 

-Yes, I do. I’m your Conscience.  I know everything about you.  From your depression, to your anxiety, to your loneliness.  And I’m still here for you.  And always will be. 

-Oh that’s convenient.  Lucky for you I have HIV and that promise won’t have to last very long.

-That’s not true!  Enough with that talk!  Let’s not fight anymore.  This is all ‘Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda’s’ at this point.  We need to focus on your future and a plan of action. 

-What future?  No one wanted me or cared about me when I was negative and no one is going to want me or care for me now.  Look at me, I’m a loser.  All alone, and now I’m dying. 

-Oh, you’re not dying.  You know you’ll get through this.  You’re not a quitter.

-I’m quitting now.

-No, you’re not.  You never were and never will be.  Just try to understand how to be aware of both Conscious and myself.  You have the power to help us.  And believe me, someone out there will find you and see all you’re worth.

-That may be a possibility.  But, I am not holding my breath.  I appreciate the sentiment, but I just need to be alone for a while. 

-That may be wise.  But, even when you’re alone don’t forget me.  I’ll always be next to you and I’m always going to be your friend.

-I’m sorry I snapped at you.  I just can’t get a grip on this, yet.

-I understand.  And I’m sorry I called you a slut, Christopher.