Thursday, July 5, 2012

IT’S MY LIFE TO GOVERN, NOT YOURS TO CRITICIZE

IT’S MY LIFE TO GOVERN, NOT YOURS TO CRITICIZE  

This ongoing pattern in my life is beyond frustrating.   Just when things seem to go so well for me is when my entire world crashes before me.  What makes it worse is listening to everyone’s opinions about what I should and shouldn’t be doing.  Actually, instead of opinions they are more like criticisms towards me.  People think they have the right to say whatever they want in judgment towards the way I live my life (as if theirs is so perfect) without knowing anything about the demons inside me.  And if there’s anything I can’t stand is when people state the obvious to me like I didn’t consider all avenues.

For instance, when people ask me what I want to do with my life and I don’t have an exact answer for them they freak out on me.  The best is when their response is, “Well, you need to figure that out.”  You should see their faces when I respond with, “And why is that?”  No response.  When was it decided in our society that one HAD to have a plan?  I’m sorry but people don’t hold jobs for thirty plus years anymore- in fact people change careers like bed sheets these days.  Sure, I have goals and ambitions, but I’m not one to talk about them as freely as one might think.  I get annoyed when everyone seems to think they know what’s in my best interest when they can’t figure it out for their own lives.

Let me rewind for a second so you can understand where I’m coming from.  I quit my job.  It was a hectic environment filled with ungrateful superiors and lack of productivity that made me a bitter person with “knots on top of knots” in my back, as my friend quoted, and unnecessary stress.  Being HIV positive one of the best medicines out there is to relieve any unwanted stress and that’s just what I did.  People told me to stay because of the money.  Of course finances are important, but I don’t let it dictate my sanity.  Next, I’ve decided that Florida isn’t the place for me to pursue my time.  It was only supposed to be a two year pit stop so I can take a program at a local college.  When I didn’t get in I found myself stuck in a state that lacked jobs for the unemployed and no resources for HIV positive people. 

So, I’ve been on the fence about returning to New York or trying Los Angeles.  In come the criticisms.  People tell me I need to stop moving so much.  “Why?”  Do they forget I had longevity recently in New York for a few years, holding a steady job in a horrid economy?  Do my close friends forget that I’ve wanted to live in Los Angeles since I was in middle school?  Not to mention does one think I enjoy moving from place to place?  A major reason not to stay in Florida is because with a waiting list still in place for HIV and AIDS individuals I’d be cut off from my medications and treatments.  My response to my critics, “Is my health a good enough reason to return to NY or consider CA where the programs are vastly funded?”  No response.  Again, you should see their faces.

Since I was a child I allowed myself to influence my life (from the clothes I wore to the activities in school I chose to partake in) around what others would accept.  It was about halfway into my college years when I was also freshly out of the closet did I sit down one day and had a long conversation with myself that made me come to a saddened realization; I wasn’t talented at anything and didn’t have a desire to pursue anything in particular.  The only thing I tried to do after that was to take a stand and say, “enough is enough.”  Unfortunately, I convinced myself that I already lost precious time from doing the things I’ve wanted to do.  And as I approach thirty I’ve tried my best to make up for the time I lost growing up isolated and finding the things I enjoy in my time.

 If I could hit the rewind button and was able to do one thing over again it wouldn’t be to take away my HIV status.  HIV was the stepping stone to finally take control of my life.  No, it would be to start school all over again.  This time I would be a better English student so I could be a better writer.  I would have pursued those dance classes and starred in the school and community plays and really got on that stage.  I wouldn’t have quit the piano, the violin or singing classes.  Oh the humanity!

 Going to school for medicine was only to play it safe in an unsure economy.  I’d love to help people, but I don’t believe my heart would’ve been in it.  Going to school for teaching would have been nice, but again I only wanted summers off.  I’d be passionate to help children learn math, but I don’t think I’d be truly happy.

 Which brings me back to the question, “Why?”  Why do I need to have a plan or an answer right now?  I didn’t get to back pack through Europe after college, I didn’t get to travel the country “finding myself” and do all those wonderful things others were privileged to do in their younger years.  I’ve been working since I was ten years old because my family was poor and when I was in school I spent every waking hour studying in the library trying to be a straight A student- in my head I was doing all the right things because I was told this was the right thing to do.

So, when people don’t let me be on my life and how I live it I tell them, “I’m an HIV positive individual that made a lot of mistakes in life and I’m trying to pay myself back for all those lost years.”

With that said no more fooling around and wasting time.  It’s time for me to really focus on my writing under the proper set of palm trees- a place I’ve wanted to be since I was in the 8th grade- Los Angeles, California.  Perhaps I’ll pick up the violin again while I’m there- you never know. 


19 comments:

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    Replies
    1. good they every body i have a testimony to seal is like manageress i was HIV positive for good 4year then i met a friend in facebook and will were tit friend and she introduces me to a man that have conshent , after that him ask me to bay some items wish i did but i didn't believe him that him can cure HIV, but i take a risk to get the items wish the man yous for me ,then him ask me to trust him and believe him then i have to do that ,i call my friend then i ask her can him cure me she sled yes but you most trust him then i do just that but i did not believe him ,
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  2. Is it wrong that I like to play will feces and enjoy the rush that comes from ripping one on my girlfriends face? The sense of satisfaction that comes from waking her up with the sweet sound of a bowel blaster is too much.... No, not too much!

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  3. People forget that not all who are HIV with serious problems on lots of medication have family or friends and have to bare their illness on there own this is also why a lot take drugs to forget they are HIV as the reality is not so good to deal with that goes on and on with no let up. Unlike cancer being HIV you cannot go into remission or have chemo to kill the virus.some people can and do only take one tablet a day or don't need medication but there are those that take twenty or more tablets included HIV drugs twice or three times a day .and so saying living with HIV is easy or you can have a life is not always the case, as its an everyday battle to deal with the different ailments they have. And those that are on their own are left to deal with it by themselves..hospitals don't ring them to see how they are getting on with encouragement that they so need to fight. Those who have family, friends or have a relationship are lucky, and being HIV is not easy when you so desire a relationship as the word(HIV) still has a stigma and not easy to disclose unlike cancer where its easier to talk about.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello let me quick drop this testimony that I witness on my own this man is real and is genuine and it can as well help you as he did to me last month here I found out that am affected but it was him that help me I was detected HIV positive but this man make me negative, I will to do anything for this man that save my life I was hopeless when I see my result and I was very sad to see am positive and him that cure HIV didn’t let me down but he did according to his promise and make me great and strong in him am writing this to the world to see that he is really great man and it can also help you can call him DR.ABEGBE this is his name and you can email he on any of this email DR.ABEGBESPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM OR DR.ABEGBESPELLHOME@HOTMAIL.COM and this man have rule and regulation if you can go according to his rule you will be happy like me as I am now this man cure take 45mins with 100% assurance you can call him for help now +2348113017989

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  5. DR.ORIOMON help me from [HIV]



    BABARAH [USA]



    What ad but today am very happy to give this story to you all, it all happen when I was 23 year well because of this disease I can get married and very happy today am now negative I can get married now to my follow people that is on my shoes this the go great man, a great thanks to DR.ORIOMON the man that bring me out of this sorrow this is the man that can as well help the world, on this diseases I can remember 5 year ago when I was searching for cure, and how I have spent much money and I finally lost hope due to my conduction I have to put my hope on god, lucky to me last week here I was on the internet, check on how many year I can spent on earth them I see a comment about this great man DR.ORIOMON what a lucky day for me and today am giving my testimony about him I have never believe there is cure at all, but this man just want me to give him a try, if he cannot do it I will know his is not DR.ORIOMON that he have been doing this cure for more than many year now I put my hope on him and also my dear good way to say bye to this diseases [HIV] contact this man now dr.oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

    .
    and i pray that he will help you also. All thanks to DR.ORIOMON, you can contact me on.oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com



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  6. Good morning everyone, my name is Sandra from Pakistan, I have been suffering from
    HIV/Aids for over 4years now, and suddenly, i have spent all my money all to make sure
    i get healthy all day, but happily, last month January 12th 2013, I came in contact
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    check up, i was unhealthy ling surprise. And truly last week Monday Dr Cuba called me
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    now found out that God in Heaven is using this man to bless and heal us all, he is a
    great and powerful man, again I say to you sir, that God Almighty will uplift you and
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    problems…..email:drcubatemple@gmail.com or call doctor +2348062477418

    ReplyDelete
  7. DR.ORIOMON help me from [HIV]



    BABARAH [USA]



    What ad but today am very happy to give this story to you all, it all happen when I was 23 year well because of this disease I can get married and very happy today am now negative I can get married now to my follow people that is on my shoes this the go great man, a great thanks to DR.ORIOMON the man that bring me out of this sorrow this is the man that can as well help the world, on this diseases I can remember 5 year ago when I was searching for cure, and how I have spent much money and I finally lost hope due to my conduction I have to put my hope on god, lucky to me last week here I was on the internet, check on how many year I can spent on earth them I see a comment about this great man DR.ORIOMON what a lucky day for me and today am giving my testimony about him I have never believe there is cure at all, but this man just want me to give him a try, if he cannot do it I will know his is not DR.ORIOMON that he have been doing this cure for more than many year now I put my hope on him and also my dear good way to say bye to this diseases [HIV] contact this man now dr.oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

    .
    and i pray that he will help you also. All thanks to DR.ORIOMON, you can contact me on.oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com



    ReplyDelete
  8. I want to let the world know about Doctor Zazaz the Great spell caster that brought back my husband to me when i thought all hope was lost. Doctor Zazaz used his powerful spell to put a smile on my face by bringing back my man with his spell, at first i thought i was dreaming when my husband came back to me on his knees begging me to forgive him and accept him back and ever since then he loves me more than i ever expected so i made a vow to my self the i will let the World know about Doctor Zazaz because he is a God on earth. Do you have problems in your relationship ? have your partner broke up with you and you still love and want him back ? Do you have problem with your finance ? or do you need help of any kind then contact Doctor Zazaz today for i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you just as he helped me. Doctor Zazaz email is: indiaspellcaster@hotmail.com

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  9. I am MRS ELENA HOMSON from RUSSIA, my facebook username is enena homson.i want to use this medium to testify of how i got cured from HIV AIDS, HIV AIDS is known not to have a cure, i contacted this disease in 2008, i have done all my best to get cured from this disease but all to no avail until a friend of mine told me about a healing spell dr OVIA on the internet who helps people cure any kind of diseases including HIV AIDS, Cancer, Herpes etc, at first i doubted if it was real but decided to give it a try,i have gone to many hospital and herbs there were know positive change on it.until i contacted this spell caster he helped me cast a healing spell and i was healed within 72hours (3days) i am really happy today then i decide to let the whole world know that there is a great man that can cure all kind of disease with asking for payment.if you also have any disease that is related to it, please Contact this great spell caster for any kind of disease or ailment via this email OVIATEMPLESPELLCASTER@GMAIL.COM OR call him via +2349032500038

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  10. Dr Oduma is the only Dr who could ever get my HIV-AIDS cured with his healing spell, i have tried almost everything but i couldn’t find any solution on my disease, despite all these happening to me, i always spend a lot to buy HIV drugs from hospital and taking some several medications but no relieve, until one day i was just browsing on the internet when i come across a great post of !Nicole! who truly said that she was been diagnose with HIV and was healed that very week through the help of these great powerful healing spell doctor, sometime i really wonder why people called him Papa Oduma, i never knew it was all because of the great and perfect work that he has been doing that is causing all this. so i quickly contacted him, and he ask me some few questions and he said a thing i will never forget that anyone who contacted him is ! always getting his or her healing in just 6 hours after doing all he ask you, so i was amazed all the time i heard that from him, so i did all things only to see that at the very day which he said i will be healed, all the strength that has left me before rush back and i becomes very strong and healthy, this disease almost kills my life all because of me, so i will to hospital to give the final test to the disease and the doctor said i am HIV negative, i am very amazed and happy about the healing Dr Oduma gave to me from the help of his ancient herbs if you have any question for me concerning all i have said email me at:(holt06079@gmail.com) But if you feel like contacting Dr Oduma at once you can email him now for your own healing too at: (odumaspiratualtemplehouse@gmail.com) or call his phone number which is +2347055413648 for direct contact good luck i am john holt...

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  11. Been a HIV positive is just like been through hell; well special thanks to God almighty for using Dr. Zaki the greatest spell caster in curing my HIV disease. I was diagnosed of this disease in the year 2008. Thou I was taking my medications buy I was not myself. Until last two weeks. My friend came to me and told me that he saw many testimonies on how a spell caster cured people HIV disease. Thou I never believe in spell, I said to myself "seen is believing" I took his name and searched it on GOOGLE, I saw many testimonies myself. Quickly, I copied his email dr.zakiherbalhome@gmail.com I emailed him, he gave me a form to fill which I did, then he called me and told me that his gods required some items in which he will use in casting a curing spell on me. And di told him to get the listed items needed to prepare my cure because by then i have little faith in him, few hours later he called me and told me he is through preparing the cure. so he send it to me I got my parcel, it was a herbal cure as described by Dr. Zaki. I took the herbal cure and after taking it for a week and some days. He told me to go for check up, I went to the hospital and had a hiv test, I was tested HIV negative. Quickly I called him and tell him what happened he congratulated me. I promise to tell the world about him. You can contact via email or phone number dr.zakiherbalhome@gmail.com

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  12. I want to thank Dr Aikhomun for the herbal HIV medicine he gave to me and my daughter, i was suffering from HIV when i gave birth to my daughter and that was how my daughter got the sickness indirect from me, but to God be the glory that i am heal with the herbal medicine that Dr. Aikhomun gave to me when i contacted him. i want to use this medium to tell everyone that the solution to our sickness has come, so i will like you to contact this great healer on his email address: Aikhomunspellhome@gmail.com with him all your pains will be gone, i am really happy today that i and my daughter are cured of HIV, we are now negative after the use of his medicine,my doctor confirm it. once more i say a big thank to you Dr Aikhomun for healing hands upon my life and my daughter, i say may God continue to bless you abundantly and give you more power to keep helping those that want your help in their lives. email him now he is waiting to receive you. :Aikhomunspellhome@gmail.com, or call him on his cell phone number on :+2348148496015

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    Replies

    1. MY HIV/AIDS HEALING TESTIMONY

      I was a HIV-AIDS patient and I got it from cheating on my husband. It was sort of a payback but a week later I was told by a friend that the person who I cheated with had the HIV-AIDS virus and did not tell me. I was so stupid by not using a condom I thought since he was an old school friend he was trustworthy. But I was wrong. I cried and cried. Two days later, I got a phone call from my friend and she told me about a person who is known by another friend, who can help me. I could not let my husband know what I was going through. I finally got his email address hivspelltemple@gmail.com and I text this man my story and he replied me immediately saying i should be calm and told me that everything will be OK. I could not come to terms with what I was hearing but then I concluded it did not matter because I was so broken up I just needed help. I was going out of my mind literally. I was confused with what he was telling me, but I listened. He told me about some materials i need to buy that he needed to cast the spell and I said OK. I bought the materials to him,i sent down my picture to him and my positive result sheet and he replied me that i am going to be negative under 3 days.I message Him every 2hours for 2day and I knew he thought that I was crazy but I did care I needed a shoulder.Behold,the third day he messaged me i should go for a test that i will be negative. My marriage could be broken because of a stupid mistake and my life was on the line. I remembered when I was going to get the results of my re-test I called him up again and told him that I was going to get my results today and his reply was “so” and that everything will be as he explained. I knew then that he was getting tired of me calling him, maybe I was wrong. Well I got my results and the first person I called up was him – again. As he said hello I started to cry and cry. I could not believe it. I was given a second chance in life.This man is a great spiritual HIV/AIDS healer,his healing spell on aids healing is very powerful, and his mobile number is +2349038409325 if you have HIV or any kind of disease just contact Dr charles

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  13. HEATHER
    I am indeed very happy for my life; I never thought that I will live on earth before the year runs out. I have been suffering from a deadly disease (HIV) for the past 3 years now; I had spent a lot of money going from one places to another, from churches to churches, hospitals have been my every day residence. Constant checks up have been my hobby not until this faithful day, I was searching through the internet, I saw a testimony on how DR. prophet ekpen helped someone in curing his HIV disease, quickly I copied his email which is prophetekpen@gmail.com just to give him a test I spoke to him, he asked me to do some certain things which I did, he told me that he is going to provide the herbal to me, which he did, then he asked me to go for medical checkup after some days after using the herbal cure, I was free from the deadly disease, he only asked me to post the testimony through the whole world, faithfully am doing it now, please brothers and sisters, he is great, I owe him in return. if you are having a similar problem just email him on prophetekpen@gmail.com his phone number was +2349038409325

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  14. All thanks to Dr Ohehe for curing my HIV positive to Negative, i do not have much to say but with all my life i will for ever be grateful to him and God Almighty for using Dr Ohehe to reach me when i thought it is all over, today am happy with my two kids and my husband after the medical doctor have confirmed my HIV status Negative,i have never in my life believed that HIV could be cure by any herbal medicine. so i want to use this means to reach other persons who have this disease by testifying the wonderful herbs and power of Dr Ohehe that all is not lost yet, try and contact him by any means with his email: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gmail.com

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  15. My mouth is short of words, i am so so happy because Dr.ohehe has healed me from HIV ailment which i have been suffering from the past 5years now, i have spend alot when getting drugs from the hospital to keep me healthy, i have tried all means in life to always i can become Hiv negative one day, but there was no answer until i found from Dr.ohehe the paris of african who provide me some healing spell that he uses to help me, now i am glad telling everyone that i am now HIV Negative, i am very very happy, thank you Dr.ohehe for helping my life comes back newly without anyform of crisis, may the good lord that i serve blessed you Dr.ohehe and equip you to the higher grade for healing my life. i am so amazed. so i will announced to everyone in this whole world that is HIV positive to please follow my advice and get healed on time, because we all knows that HIV disease is a deadly type,contact Dr.ohehe for your Hiv healing spell today at: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gma.com.... He will be always happy to assist you online and ensure you get healed on time, contact Dr.ohehe today for your healing spell immediately, thank you sir: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. My mouth is short of words, i am so so happy because Dr.ohehe has healed me from HIV ailment which i have been suffering from the past 5years now, i have spend alot when getting drugs from the hospital to keep me healthy, i have tried all means in life to always i can become Hiv negative one day, but there was no answer until i found from Dr.ohehe the paris of african who provide me some healing spell that he uses to help me, now i am glad telling everyone that i am now HIV Negative, i am very very happy, thank you Dr.ohehe for helping my life comes back newly without anyform of crisis, may the good lord that i serve blessed you Dr.ohehe and equip you to the higher grade for healing my life. i am so amazed. so i will announced to everyone in this whole world that is HIV positive to please follow my advice and get healed on time, because we all knows that HIV disease is a deadly type,contact Dr.ohehe for your Hiv healing spell today at: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gma.com.... He will be always happy to assist you online and ensure you get healed on time, contact Dr.ohehe today for your healing spell immediately, thank you sir: ohehenemenspelltemple001@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete


  17. BE CAREFUL HERE NOBODY CAN HELP YOU HERE OR EVEN SUGGEST HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR EX OR LOVE BACK,ANY TESTIMONIES OF MOST SPELL CASTER HERE MUST BE IGNORE.BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE SCAM I MEAN REAL SCAM WHICH I WAS A VICTIM AND I GOT RIPPED OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO GET MY WIFE BACK AFTER SHE LEFT ME FOR OVER 2 YEARS WITH MY 7 YEARS OLD SON JERRY,I HAVE APPLIED TO 7 DIFFERENT SPELL CASTER HERE AND ALL TO NO AVAIL THEY ALL ASK FOR SAME THING SEND YOUR NAME YOUR EX NAME ADDRESS AND PICTURE PHONE NUMBER ETC WHICH I DID OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND MOST OF THEM WERE FROM WEST AFRICA UNTIL ISAW A POST ABOUT MAMA ANITA SPELL AND I DECIDED TO GAVE HER MY LAST TRAIL.SHE ASK ME FOUR THINGS MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND $180 AND SAID MY EX WILL COME BACK IN 24HOURS, I HAVE PAID OVER $3000 ON SPELL CASTING AND COURIER AND NOTHING HAVE WORK FOR ME AFTER 3 DAYS I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST SO FAR SO I SAID LET ME GIVE HER A TRY SO I CALLED HER AGAIN AND SEND MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND THE $180 BECAUSE I SWEAR IT WAS MY LAST TRY SO I WAS WAITING AS SHE TOLD ME TO WAIT TILL NEXT DAY AND I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE MY WIFE AND WANT HER BACK AT 9PM THAT DAY I SAW MY WIFE ON LINE ON FACE BOOK AND SHE SAID HI AT FIRST I WAS SHOCK BECAUSE SHE NEVER TALK WITH ME FOR THE PAST A YEAR AND 9 MONTH NOW I DID NOT REPLY AGAIN SHE SAID ARE YOU THERE? I QUICKLY REPLY YES AND SHE SAID CAN WE SEE TOMORROW I SAID YES AND SHE WENT OFF-LINE I WAS CONFUSED I TRY TO CHAT HER AGAIN BUT SHE WAS NO MORE ON LINE I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT AS I WAS WONDERING WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY, BY 7.AM THE NEXT MORNING SHE GAVE ME A MISS CALL I DECIDED NOT TO CALL BACK AS I WAS STILL ON SHOCK AGAIN SHE CALL AND I PICK SHE SAID CAN WE SEE AFTER WORK TODAY I SAID YES SO SHE END THE CALL IMMEDIATELY I GOT OFF WORK SHE CALL ME AND WE MEET AND NOW WE ARE BACK AGAIN I CALL MAMA ANITA THE NEXT DAY THANKING HER FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE IN FACT I STILL CALL HER AND THANK HER AS MY LIFE WAS NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT MY WIFE PLEASE BE CAREFUL HERE I HAVE BEEN SCAM THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IF YOU WANT A TRUE LOVE SPELL THEN CONTACT MAMA ANITA (mama.anitatruelovespell@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete