Sunday, August 22, 2010


In a previous blog I wrote about how I wake up every morning with a smile. Well, just like anyone that has a functioning pulse can say that even those in great spirits have days where they don’t want to get out of bed. There are numerous variables that put me in this category- stress buildup, waking up alone, going to a job where I ‘m hated, the reminder that I am living with HIV, to name a few. I pat myself on the back for being able to move on with my life so quickly since my diagnosis, but I have to admit that some days are easier than others. I guess the “waking up alone” part can get to me because it must be nice to come home after a hard day and get your feet rubbed and have someone to relieve your stress with.

Listen to what happened to me this past week. I received a call from the New York City Department of Health (DOH) requesting I come in to be tested for HIV as they feel I “may have” been exposed to the virus. As I commend the gentleman (my past partner whoever it may be) for being socially responsible and listing his past partners that may be in danger I question the DOH. I explained to them that testing is no longer necessary for me and that all of my STD tests are up to date from the current month through my primary care doctor and I haven’t been with anyone in months. Yet, they still wanted me to come in for an HIV test. What the…? Two days later I received a letter in the mail and what was flabbergasting about the whole ordeal was that the clinic that was harassing me to come in was the same clinic that diagnosed me Positive back in January of this year! WHAT THE…? Finally, three missed calls today from the clinic. Gosh, leave me alone!

I guess I shouldn’t complain. I’ve mentioned before if there was anything I could change about my DAY ONE episode it would have been my experience with this clinic- and this incident further proves my point. I should be happy that I am healthy and that it could be much worse. But, lately as I thought I finally began to get a grip on my new life I have constant reminders interrupting my daily activities. As if pill popping and disclosure wasn’t enough of a reminder. When is enough, enough? When is it considerably okay for me to jump into a pool, go under water and scream at the top of my lungs without someone saying, “It could be much worse, Christopher.” When is it acceptable to be selfish for just a few moments?

When I let out that scream, I feel better for the time being. I tell myself that the medical bills will be paid, I’ll save money soon, I’ll start dating soon, and my life will find purpose-soon. These are the thoughts I say to myself and then life and my smile continues. I begin to think of all the positives in my life- no pun intended. I have a loving and supportive family, I have a full time (yet terrible) job, and luckily I have medical insurance for the time being, and most importantly, I’m alive.

The best feeling in the world for me is sitting on a beach with the palm trees swaying in the wind and hearing the ocean’s flow. That’s the beauty of mother nature- absolute silence and serenity. Boy, do I miss my palm trees.

Thank you readers for letting me vent. I feel better now.


  1. I feel your pain and I appreciate your words .... Thank you for sharing and reaching out... means alot

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