HIV’s LATEST VICTIM: APPROXIMATELY ONE YEAR LATER

This entry is for everyone, in particularly HIV NEGATIVE individuals.  I want to wend the importance of PREVENTION and TESTING and how a negative diagnosis works without discussing too many specific medical technicalities considering I am not in the profession.  This entry is a bit detailed, but as I have reiterated in the past it is my decision to share my story so I can tell others out there not to make the same mistakes I did.

Reference:

Sept. 29, 2009- Tested HIV Negative

Oct. 16, 2009 (approx.)- Hospitalized and severely sick

Jan. 21, 2010- Tested HIV Positive

Let me start by saying that I forgive myself for making poor choices in my life.  However, as much as I’d like to I shall never forget the demonic occurrences that got me to where I am today.  Not to mention if I am going to spread the word of prevention to the world it is important to remember why I am laying in my bed right now writing about this topic as opposed to a sassy love story. 

Last summer, 2009, was a tiresome and lonely one.  I worked most weekends and major holidays acting like I had been deprived of my favorite season and all its pleasurable events.  When I had spare time I would drown myself in alcohol and parties that lead to me to these poor choices I speak of.  There’s no need to give specifics. 

 As summer winded down and September approached I reached out to a couple of close girl friends of mine at work and explained to them that I had reason to worry about my health.  No matter how many times they urged me to get tested for HIV I thought it’d be best to avoid testing altogether and perhaps my fears would go away in time.  Finally, one the girls grabbed me by my non-existent hair and dragged me to a clinic in Midtown, New York City.  The counselor conducted a painless oral swab that took twenty minutes for the results.  While waiting the counselor spoke to me about my sex history and how I can prevent myself from endangering my body.  The first piece of advice I can give those individuals that are due for an HIV test is to find a clinic that has counselors that will sit and speak with you while you wait for the results- not only did it calm my nerves to speak with someone, but it made the time go fast.  Low and behold my results came back negative.  My friend was overjoyed and although I was happy to an extent I knew deep down that I was not out of the woodwork. 

My specialist broke it down for me months ago- since I was tested Positive in January 2010, but Negative in September 2009 and got sick in October 2009 does not mean that I was infected between the Negative diagnosis and my sickness.  I was already infected before my negative diagnosis.  Like I’ve stated, it was a summer where I made idiotic choices.

If HIV were a person on a scholastic scale, then they would be considered a genius.  The virus knows when entering a new system planning to attack healthy cells that it also needs to hide from the cells in our body that will later kill them-our T-cells.  T-cells, or CD4 cells, are natural cells in our bodies that continuously travel the entire organism seeking to attack viruses like the flu or common cold that are dormant in us.  HIV has two goals: to replicate and to survive.  It needs to replicate TO survive.  The virus can only replicate through, literally through, the cells in our body.  The virus will survive as long as they hide from our T-cells.  Unfortunately, the virus will be successful in its attempt to escape the doom of T-cells.  By the time our heroes come to save the day, the damage has already been done.  In essence, when I received the NEGATIVE diagnosis in September the virus was already in my body and my T-cells were unaware of HIV roaming around replicating as we spoke.  It was a matter of weeks before I was on my death bed.

Later in October I began to fall ill.  I remember being at my place of employment and having severe chills.  I figured, “tis the season” and I will just have to keep an eye out for the flu.  As the week progressed I grew a fever up to 104 degrees Fahrenheit.  I had night sweats, no appetite and I could barely swallow water.  I needed my mommy to take care of me.  I took a medical leave of absence from work and was in and out of the hospital and my doctor’s office.

I had other symptoms, but there was never a cough, a sore throat or a runny nose.  My doctor said my tests work showed no sign of the flu, a common cold, or strep throat.  It began to dawn on me what the diagnosis possibility was, but once again because of fear, I kept my feelings to myself.  Halloween came and gone without celebration and before I knew it the fever was gone and I was back to myself, twelve pounds lighter.

From that day on I would dwell on the fear that I may have HIV but was too afraid to find out the truth.  It took two and a half months for me to build the courage to face the music and see if my deduction was correct.  On January 21, 2010 I was diagnosed with HIV.

My description is not made to scare you.  I want you to understand that getting sick the way I did was a good thing.  My HIV specialist later explained to me why my illness was so severe.  My body was working double overtime trying to kill the HIV virus.  Back in late September, or early October, just before I grew sick was the time period when my T-cells discovered an HIV cell and sent in the troops (other T-cells) for backup to kill the foreigner.  As uncomfortable as the experience was I do understand that my immune system fights hard to keep me alive, whether it’s killing HIV viruses or any other viruses.  Now my body is aware that there is HIV in me and as long as my heart still beats it will forever battle the cells- or until there is a cure.  Just like any war there will be deaths on both sides of the battle field.  HIV cells die, but so does my T-cells in the battle.  My T-cells can’t fight HIV alone so it needs allies- my medications.  Now T-cells can have coffee breaks or fight other sicknesses in me, like the flu, while my medications do some of the work.  Now the possibility of me dying from HIV is almost non-existent so long as I am obedient and take my medications everyday and at the hours I am supposed to.

So for all of you individuals out there who test negative on an HIV test- I want you to understand how important it is to follow up on testing every 3-6 months to be 100% sure that you don’t have HIV.  Together, we can stop the replication of this horrible illness that has taken the lives of millions.  Be safe.

My Final Reference:

1-HIV Negative Individuals: approximately 500-1500 T-Cells in the body

2-My T-Cell Ct as of March 2010: 391 T-Cells (due to the significant toll my body took in Oct. 2009)- no meds

3- May 6, 2010-virus UNDETECTABLE IN MY SYSTEM- 460 T-Cells with meds

4- August 4, 2010- 652 T-Cells, with meds, and still rising

*The latest recommendation I read that an HIV positive individual should consider starting medications- <350 T-Cells

*considered an AIDS patient- <200 T-Cells- note that even in this category you can get healthy again and go back to an HIV-level patient. Hence, not a death sentence.

WORKING NINE TO FIVE: THEN SIX TO TWO

Let me start by apologizing for my absence. It has been a couple weeks since I’ve posted a new blog on the internet.

 

My reasons are just. My calendar is filled to the point where even yours truly can’t keep up with all that needs to be done! No, it’s not my non-existent social calendar, but my calendar filled with events and tasks that stimulate my brain. I purchased a white board today that swiftly became my daily “To-Do” list preventing me from falling behind OR not completing tasks of which I promised to do for others. Let me share with you the bullet points on that board:

 

• Look over & give feedback for the new POZIAM website
• Help build the “Does HIV Look like Me?” newly diagnosed section of their website
• Take pictures with DAB the AIDS Bear with NYC landmarks- ongoing
• Create next blog entry- TONIGHT
• Pay final Verizon bill on Friday
• Pay portion of blood work bill as well as Doctor’s visit(s) bill- ongoing
• Pick up paycheck from staffing agency on Thursday
• Former 401K plan- use $$$ to pay medical bills? Pending
• Upload Part 3 and 4 Vlog series to Youtube- attempt No. 6 or is it 7?
• Hang Curtains- DONE!

I’ve been slacking on my response to a handful of these tasks simply because I hadn’t had the time to commit. I always get everything done in time, but challenges have approached me. I recently accepted a new job as an administrative assistant at one of America’s well-known railroad companies. That’s right; I can almost say goodbye to my crappy job (that I have written about previously) and say hello to my full time career! However, in order to cross some of these particular tasks off my list sooner rather than later I felt it best to stay at that bartending job a couple nights a week. As if I had time to spare originally- now my free time will be further limited for a while. I spent most of the summer working two jobs and now it seems to have no end in sight.

 

In my opinion, being HIV positive creates a barrier in the workplace. There are so many things to consider before walking out on a job that I’m less than satisfied with- especially when their health insurance plan covers my medications one hundred percent. That was the only reason I stayed at a job that I dreaded going to day after day. Unfortunately, until I can get my blood work and hospital bills settled (bills that were not covered by insurance) I feel trapped for a while leaving myself working two jobs. Of course living in one of the largest and most expensive cities in the world never helps.

 

Stress and fatigue caused from working two jobs will only play against me in fighting HIV. As long as I keep telling myself that it’s only temporary and that I am still young and healthy then it will be okay. Some would relax from these stresses by binge drinking or other bodily irritants that temporarily take the stress away. I turn to my writing to calm me. I sure do miss having more time to my writing and blogging though- it’s only temporary, Christopher.

 

Perhaps one day soon the price we pay to stay alive won’t be so expensive.

 

IN A GAY NEW YORK MINUTE

Last night I decided to bar hop for the first time in a while. After my friends and I enjoyed a fabulous Thai dinner we made our way to the watering holes in Chelsea and the West Village. As the night played out I unexpectedly analyzed everything going on around me rather than getting loaded and making new acquaintances like probably should have. Perhaps it was the bourbon that caused me to observe or if I was experiencing side effects from my medications. Regardless of the reason last night was an eye opener for me to rethink strategically how I am going to conquer HIV in this gay Mecca.


One of the most appealing attractions of NYC is the various communities and neighborhoods and the diversity of its occupants. There is something for everyone here. NYC is a safe haven for the gay community- the boy who grew up isolated in rural America simply because he was different knew one day he could run away to this city where he’d feel safe. Take note that it must never be forgotten that this city once oppressed those that were ‘different’ and all the tears, blood and shouts that were shed to fight the corruption. I thank those men and women for bringing me one step closer to showing the world it is okay for two people of the same sex to hold hands down Eighth Avenue.

With that said, as I sipped my cocktail and listened to the DJ blasting the latest dance tunes I asked the gay community in NYC as a whole, “What happened to us as a community? When did it become okay for us to be complacent?”

Let me give you a few quick examples of last night. We went to one bar in Chelsea filled with clicks and attitudes where majority of the patrons were dressed in tank tops and sweat shorts. Is this night life or did I make a wrong turn and enter the gym? Learn proper dress attire for the evening, I say. I had enough and headed to the West Village for some good old fashioned karaoke, and coincidentally, one of the few places that have the proper ingredients for an Old Fashioned cocktail. The clientele median age was 22 or so. The MC played the hit disco song, “I Love the Nightlife,” by Alicia Bridges. Unfortunately, my friends and I were of the handful of people in the bar singing along as the rest of the patrons had no idea what the song was. Taking note, the MC made a comment to the audience that maybe he should play some “Salt and Pepa” tunes to bring the kids up to speed. I swear on my life someone shouted out, “Who?” Come on now, these were songs I listened to as a kid in my bedroom fearing I’d get beaten up in school for knowing all the lyrics. Sure, I’m not a Streisand fan, but I still recognize her as a gay icon for the generation before me- for men who needn’t dare admit they were in love with her putting their own lives in jeopardy. Do the youth not recognize that Lady GaGa and TV shows like ABC’s, “Modern Family” were not always in existence? Brush up on gay history like Stonewall and life before it, I say. And finally, the icing on the cake was when I told my friend, who is in his mid forties and came out of the closet at thirty, that I’m HIV positive. His immediate response was, “Oh no you have AIDS!” Learn the facts of HIV before spreading lies, I say.

I could continue with my tangent forever, but let me get to the point. Gay guys here seem to be all over the spectrum, with a sense of entitlement- and why- because we are gay? Sure, it’s great that couples here can go to Connecticut to get married and come back to Manhattan. But, does it not dawn on them that you can’t get married in your own state? Why aren’t these Chelsea queens and the youth giving back what was privileged to them? Everyone seems to make time for the gym and brunches and frivolous things like that. Then, why aren’t more voices fighting for gay marriage and educating themselves on the ADAP crisis- chances are they have a friend or two in this city living with HIV. We are a city of eight million people, and sometimes this community can seem so small.

As I contemplate about relocating to another city, like Philadelphia or Washington D.C., I am starting to wonder whether New York City needs someone like me to bring back that sense of urgency and radicalism that gave us the freedom to be gay here. I am proud to be a New Yorker, but now I must speak to you, New York, as a whole: You’ve got a lot of shaping up to do.

MY DISCLOSURE TO THE WORLD

Last week I posted a video on YOUTUBE that spoke about my brief history living with HIV. In addition, I offered my words of advice for newly diagnosed individuals and their loved ones. Overall feedback from viewers was all sorts of encouraging words thus allotting me the confidence to continue videotaping my fight against this illness.


Let me be clear before I continue with my blog entry. Disclosure is a constant debate. I considered all of the avenues of disclosing my status up until the minutes before recording. My opinion rests that it is solely up to the individual as to whether or not to disclose his or her status to loved ones and friends. This does not include sexual partners of which I feel deserve a right to know. The truth is there is no right or wrong answer as to when one should disclose. Once you tell one person the possibility arises that more people will know without your control. It’s understandable for people to want to wait until they are mentally ready to tell their secret.


I wasn’t open about my status in the beginning as I am now. At first only a handful of people knew about me. I halted my sexual encounters for a while to focus on myself. I thought I was safe that way. Consequently, this action left me in isolation. Days turned into weeks turned into months and I had a less than satisfactory support group. Something had to change before HIV and stress would take over sending me six feet under.


So- I came out of the closet for the second time in my life. No longer will I be hiding in the shadows just because society teaches me to fear HIV/AIDS. I plan to do my part to end the stigmas against this illness. It had shown that my courage has proven beneficial- all of my friends and family stand behind me and wish me all the luck and happiness life has to offer. My support group is larger than ever with nothing stopping me in the interim.


Don’t get me wrong- disclosing will have its up’s and down’s and there will be scary ventures ahead of me. But, if I don’t do my part to help make a difference then who will? I speak for my brothers and sisters who no longer have a voice. I speak for those who are not yet ready to disclose to others and most of all I speak for me, the most important person in my world.


For all those out there who are afraid to speak, refuse to speak, or want to speak louder- I offer you my hand in support and comfort, and will always be here to help you.

GOT STRESS? A STAYCATION IS THE CURE

While writing this blog I am listening to Sheryl Crow’s, “A Change (Would Do You Good).” I thought it was fitting and motivational and after reading this you may agree. Are you someone like myself where every time you take one step forward you somehow take three steps back? This seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life right now which is really getting old. The bills, the rent, medication reminders, work problems, doctors’ appointments, etc. There is only one simple solution- a “staycation” from my life. For the record, I hate combining two English words into one in my writing like “guesstimate,” but considering my vacation started today it seemed appropriate to go beyond my boundaries.

That’s right, after working a year and a few months at my crappy job I finally earned some paid vacation days. Sure, I could have gone somewhere exotic and rode an elephant somewhere in Asia or hike the rainforests of the Amazon. But unlike others, I am an individual who enjoys lounging at home over the excitement of losing luggage, sightseeing in one hundred degree weather and turbulent plane rides to foreign land. And to be honest, I barely have the finances right now for a day trip around Manhattan.

Things have been so crazy on my home front lately between sorting out medical bills, working situations, and friendships that it’s as if my life’s problems threw up on me all at once. God’s little test, I guess. But, being HIV positive I have to remember stressing about all the little variables in life will only do more damage to my health in the long run. So, I have learned to brush things off and not get myself sick over frivolous things. For example, I tell myself, “This bill is all messed up and the phone operator can’t fix it at the given time? No big deal.” As long as I don’t build this thought up into stress it will be okay. As a writer my best friend is a notepad- I carry one everywhere I go. I just leave myself a note and put it on my “to-do” list. So what if that list is growing? It’ll get done.

For the next twelve days I will be in my apartment. If I’m not there then I am at the gym doing my laps and lifting free-weights. If I’m not at the gym or my apartment then I am somewhere where I don’t want to be reached. This will be MY TIME where I can work on the novel I have been writing for quite some time now. My only life reminder that I will have with me is my medication, of course. Yes, a vacation for me is a vacation from everything. Peace a quiet.
Listen for me on the POZIAM radio show this month! I’d love to hear your comments about my blog.    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/poziam/2010/08/09/christopher-myron--poziam-blogger