Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Being stuck in a rut is like waiting in purgatory, as we mortals understand the idea of purgatory. 

This has been one roller coaster of a year for me.  I started it off by working two jobs to pay off the medical bills while creating a nice cushion of savings for myself for a rainy day.  Finally, I was able to leave one job and take care of health and move ahead.  That was until the government took my savings from me as a result of our system’s inability to manage their own check books and wreaking havoc on the middle class (what’s left of it.)  It was at that point I lost most of my faith in our legislative system until I took a shot at a job in our nation’s capital concerning HIV politics.  It was my hope that I could make a difference.  However, I felt like nothing more than a Muppet striving for my stardom in Hollywood.

I left DC and returned to New York desperate for work and ignoring snarky, “I told ya so,” comments from people jealous that I take a chance on venues rather than just talk about them.  I’m a person that seizes an opportunity not expecting a handout in life.

Then, over the summer I found a job that I thoroughly enjoyed.  My coworkers were a pleasure and my duties were fulfilling.  However, I knew it was too good to be true.  The company ran low on funds and as a temporary employee it was evident that I’d be the first to go, regardless of my ability to do the job well.

So, I’m back in Florida.  The only thing left for me is to finish what I started years ago- going into the much needed health care profession.  Florida isn’t exactly where I planned to be by year’s end (or at all) but, what harm can two years do?  As long as I graduate as planned I will become a Registered Respiratory Therapist.  This of course is if I can receive financial aid and be able to start in January.  Then the idea is to move to Los Angeles and practice there.  I never thought I’d be waiting tables again at a job with no benefits, but here I am.  The positive side is that I have a beautiful view of the Intracoastal Waterway.   If this doesn’t work, what will I do?  Not New York.  Not again.

The lack of stability in my life is deafening.    

My rut is so dreadful and depressing that I don’t even know what day it is today.  Twenty years ago I’d be counting down the days to my happy Christmases.  Now, Christmas is painfully approaching and I could really care less about the holiday.  I won’t have a tree, I won’t be buying gifts, I won’t be watching the specials on television.  I wish it would pass at lightning speed.

2012 would be a blessing, right?  I can try again in a new life knowing what I know, now.  This time I’ll be a doctor, like I should have been.